a punctuation

i have better words please stay for one last bad show okay?

It's October. A year has passed between you and I. Neither of us are where we expected to be. What is expecting but hoping with bated breath, by the window? Hope lets me get out of bed and walk to places but when I expect something, I sit and refuse to do anything else until I get what I want. So naturally, I am not an expectant person. I started trying to be a good person last year, and then I ended up not being one. Then I stopped trying. Then none of it mattered because I put distance between me and everything else. This is not a story, and I am not strong enough to sit and recap everything from last year. It's your birthday soon, just a matter of days. I remember your last birthday. I remember everything I said. How does it feel knowing someone is made up entirely of want, for you? I will not do that to you ever again, unless I can do it the right way. Of course, you're not going to let me. Normally, I'd blame you a little, for how things are. But nothing is normal anymore. 

I have been really embracing the "almost" lifestyle. I do well, but not well enough; I have  ideas but not enough to turn into a story that can allow me to die; I have you, but only in my head. So, if we really look at it, beyond the rose tinted glasses, I'm not so much embracing it as much as it's choking me.

I have had some good moments, where I refuse to look inside of me and look at the world instead. I have travelled a little, I have eaten some nice food, I have gotten gifts for friends. But two veins run inside of me parallel to each other – one of my inherent loneliness, and one that keeps thinking of you. I am not a romantic in the realest sense but it would make my heart grow the right size in my ribs if I got to be next to you at least four times a week. Why stop there? A kitchen of our own to kiss in, a bed to collect each other in, and – we have to stop here. Should have stopped long ago. I am not sorry. 

I am on a train alone right now. I am not religious per se, but no harm in formulating a prayer. To no one in particular. Grant me strength to get through this month and the one after it and make the remaining months of my life not the kind I have to get through but live through. I am willing to die tomorrow but if that's not going to happen, either ruin everything or give me something more to carry on for now. And more than anything, get me what I want, and what I want has never been for myself.

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A year almost to this newsletter as well. I will bring you gut wrenching beautiful selfish and ugly stuff soon. I wanted to write so much in September and October but I also wanted to die, so I guess the lesson is that we can't really always get what we want. 

Thank you for sticking around. The next few days will be spent mourning what I had this time last year and how I killed it. Sorry SZA, this time next year now, yeah? I still remember so much pain. 

You have all been a great part of my writing process. Thank you again, and I will be grateful for a long time.

Leaving you with a playlist. I will be back before the coffee gets cold.

Love,

Heera 

a few days ago / jaipur