As A Song Hummed In The Afternoon

dhal gaya din ho gayi shaam / aaj jaane ki zid na karo

There’s not a lot to do now that you are gone. I wake up early, check my phone out of habit. Then I get ready for the day, and remind myself this life in front of me is as much mine as the one which left me behind, the one which had you. I still tie my hair the way you liked, I still make tea for two. I send one cup over to Maya, my neighbour. She brings the cup back at night without fail, and sits with me for a while. We talk about whatever happened during the day; sometimes we let the silence fall upon us. She never asks anything too personal, I always leave openings for her to do so. 

Romi came over after a week of silence. I am now used to our sporadic relationship, which makes it easier. I owe him nothing, and he returns the favour gracefully. I do feel bad about how he is aware of his place in my heart, but I am also grateful for it. Makes loving him a little easier. But love is never easy, it is never enough. If it was, wouldn’t you be sitting here, asking me questions about things I am doing?

When I am alone in the afternoons, I like to sit on the floor by the window. I like watching the trees sway, the silence getting carried around by the breeze. I turn the radio up, and let the songs split my feelings open, line by line. I hum them once in a while, awakening memories from years ago. All these songs are about love; by that I mean they are all about you. Today, Romi and I sat side by side, listening to them. Afternoon gave way to early evening. A kiss exchanged, nothing said. He was out of the door but he left all his questions on the floor. 

I often think about how I am left behind, by people, by circumstances. Or maybe I am the reason, because ever so often, I stop moving. I think the child in me is stuck in a time loop, and she is still waiting for my father to look back on that busy road, on that one summer evening. Did she stop with an intent, or was it mere childishness - the kind which makes you want to do things before you put questions to them?

I folded all his questions with my clothes and kept them away for some other day, I am getting good at movement.  What I am saying is, I am not stuck anymore. All I know is I am still waiting.

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altered text from Times Of India, 23rd January 2021 ; original

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things are in motion for me, or at least about to be. 2022 is the year of new places and your older dreams taking a different shape. i wish you all the best. as soon as i find three good news pieces about my own life, i will be resuming the actual newsletter business. or maybe i will drop it all and run straight into traffic.

take care,

heera