dil kya kare
The title of this newsletter is a song from the movie Julie. Kishore Kumar croons - dil kya kare jab kisi ko, kisi se pyaar ho jaye. Na kuchch mere bas mein Julie, na kuchch tere bas mein.
Basically, he is asking his lover (Julie, you guessed it) - what can this heart do, if one falls in love with someone? I have nothing under control, and to be frank, neither do you Julie.
I want all of you to be Julie and remember that sometimes you have to give in, let go, have fun.
Koalas are now endangered species. That is not nice to know. I feel like nothing is nice to know these days. There’s a severe lack of good news in my life. And I don’t mean something grand - imagine if I got engaged, or cracked the code to save koalas (it’s simple actually, wildlife conservation, start somewhere). By good news, I mean things like - my tea was sweet enough, my clothes don’t feel wrong, there’s something to wake up to, a loving message to fall asleep to. The bare minimum, but then, you have to start somewhere.
Today’s newspapers had an ad for getting rid of pigeons. Apparently they will install a bed of nails, and then leave it up to the poor pigeons to get hurt or die trying to sit on the ACs. I am no fan of pigeons, my city is brimming with them, but I do not want to impart any cruelty in their direction. I have no right to be cruel to creatures who have not wronged me, or don’t care for me. Actually, none of us have any right to be cruel, but we like playing gods don’t we? Trying to have everything under control, being the bigger man, etc. Sounds like someone you know? Chances are I am talking about your father!
Been thinking about a few things lately. Woolf, my heterosexual aspects, how to cut ties with people without saying goodbye, how to remember poems effectively. I am also thinking about how I need to actively nurture a kind and loving personality or else I will end up being the worst version of myself. What about you? What are you thinking about? Are you a horrible person too?
Also doing a few things. Recently I did a decent job at coloring the front portion of my hair red. Practicing my Hindi handwriting, bit by bit. Trying to wake up early and not feel bad first thing in the morning. Stretching! Dancing - currently trying to learn the Jealousy slide by FKA Twigs. I respect her work ethic and way of living so much. She is a fine example of how if you stay true to your art and have generously loving good friends, life gets easier. What else am I doing? Writing, writing, writing. A little reading. Studying. I am telling you all this so that you know that I don’t spend all my time being a bad person - it’s just a 24x7 radio in the background.
Today is World Radio Day by the way. By today I mean 13th February. Radio aur mera purana rishta hai… My daada used to listen to it when he would eat dinner, and keep listening to it until he would fall asleep. My mother and I have spent long afternoons listening to stories and songs. Every argument in the car has always been punctuated with the jingles on the radio. A radio is like an organism in itself, with a heart in it. A radio is like a small, complex angel, a small pet of your own - existing to its own rhythms.
It is Valentine’s Day tomorrow. I love when something happens on a day. It is also Library Lover’s Day tomorrow; also Clifford the Big Red Dog’s birthday. 3rd March is Wildlife Day. 4th March is Batman Day. It is Barbie’s birthday on 9th March. My favorite high school teacher’s birthday is on 19th April. Should I call her this week? I think I will.
Watched Gehraiyaan, directed by Shakun Batra recently. I am baffled by the positive response. Yes, Deepika Padukone deserves all the praise, because she does her job well every time, but the movie was not good. I hate saying things like this, but it was a horribly botched movie. It would have worked better as a slow novel, something like Anita Desai’s works, but just imagine it was written by someone who was like five times her carbon copy - diluted, but the imprint persists. The plot twists were very predictable, and the crests of the movies only made the spiraling down to the troughs feel rough (does this read like slam poetry? I am not into that). I did like the snatches of Deepika’s character’s past, but again a very misguided approach to it all - you cannot just get over things like that. I mean, what do I know? Ha ha ha.
The songs were alright, but altogether entirely forgettable. And can you believe, not one scene where Zayn goes down on either of his women. What was the consent expert doing on set…
See this is what happens when you don’t have good things happening in your life, you become a mean film critic about a movie which probably two of you would have watched. If you haven’t watched it, don’t bother. Okay? Okay.
I recently asked people if they wanted some advice, and I got a couple messages. Here’s the first one.
i am currently seeing someone but it's long distance. we only recently made it official. we're both in our early 20s. not financially stable enough to move close to each other.. i'm planning to go back to school and move closer to him but that depends heavily on if i'm able to get into a program near him (which is very competitive). i guess we don't have a set end date in mind rn but we have short trips planned together to look forward to. i feel like i'm not strong enough for it. should we end this before it gets more hurtful to leave?
Well I think you should give up on everything and make love your premier goal like me. Then, tell yourself that you are willing to work for love, and go bag that program! You are capable! Love makes you capable (and also a little stunted but it’s okay, we will talk about that later!)
Practically speaking, enjoy the trips you have planned. Stand in front of a wall/painting/on your balcony/the sea/your gas stove and reflect deeply about what he means to you and how having him in your life makes you feel.
Why would you want to end it right now? It won’t be too hurtful to leave, think of it the other way - you will just end up being loved thoroughly. Even if it does end someday, wouldn’t it feel nice to know that you experienced something like this? No more being scared in 2022, okay? All the best with your studying. Get kissed!
(Between you and me, dear question asker, I was/am in a similar fix like this, but not like this but a little like this, so I picked your question first because I like playing favorites. Told you, we can never stop playing gods)
Did you get the Cool Girl Memo? We are no longer being cool about things. There are other things to be. For example, you can be honest about your feelings. You can be desperate about some things you want. A few newsletters ago I said I am going to be brave about things. Now is the time for it. I am looking around myself, collecting my life slowly and steadily.
Last friday night (yesterday) I had an anxiety ridden phone call with a friend. He reassured me that life will be okay, that I am capable. Maybe he was just being nice but sometimes, it’s alright to believe your friends when they tell you such things. It is good for you, and it makes them feel like they are being a good friend. Stop thinking only about yourself! Be better be better be better. Okay?
I appreciate all of you very much. Here are two playlists for you - if you understand hindi & for everyone!
Next time I will tell you about how I have observed a significant change in myself lately, and also what my favorite animals are. I am working on better things to show you all too, don’t worry. Stick around, I am grateful for that. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love,
Heera.
"There are other things to be. For example, you can be honest about your feelings. You can be desperate about some things you want." i need to write this one down, remember it, write it down again, remember it some more. thank you for sharing your beautiful, beautiful writing (as always). i adore this so so much. happy valentines, lovely <3
The actively nurturing a kind and loving personality got me cuz without it,I'm too bitter and like my father. Fear is knowing I am my father. But, personal tangent aside, loved this so much. No more playing it cool, will die from the love I have for my friends. Srsly, this was wonderful. All the love.