mera jeevan kora kagaz
hello after so long + eating a lot of words and feelings lately
March 27th, 2022
I am sitting on the floor right now; it is 4:20 in the afternoon. I am listening to songs that remind me of my city. I am away, I am far away.
There’s been new things in my life, dumped on me like ice cold water. And while I was trying to regain balance, someone pulled the carpet from underneath me; did not want it to get ruined by the water I think.
My friend is sitting by the window, talking to her boyfriend. I was sitting in the same spot a while ago, talking to Parasite aka Earworm on Shoulder. Terrible network issues where I am actually. And yet, I have been able to establish a static silver yellow blue wire from Here to There, the kind that is in movement at any given time. I want to say more, but I have someone to turn to for that these days. Isn’t that nice? It is!
Some people have told me my hopefulness is like a weakness. Let me set a scene for you right now. Stay with me, just one moment please…
(Interview Room. People I Love/Have Loved sitting in front of me. Faces not visible. Me, black trousers, sky blue shirt a la Hugh Grant. On a Chair)
Someone I Love: Your hopefulness is a weakness.
Me: Actually, you are wrong.
Them, waiting for an explanation, clearly.
Me: Okay. Bye.
From the above scene from my first flop indie movie in my head, you can make out that I am tired. My hopefulness is not yours to berate. Dear reader, if you are full of hope as well, then I want you to know that you are part of why the world turns on time and why the seasons still come back. Love makes the world go round but Hope makes it consistent. A lot of hope has to do with the concept of “despite.” Today sucked, food was an enemy and I am a foreigner in my own heart, however despite all of this, I am going to look forward to April. May. June.
(The writer requests the reader to listen to April Come She Will by Simon and Garfunkel right now)
30th March 2022
Sitting on the floor again, my friend is on the bed right here. She is telling me about her goals. I want to get married, she says. She has a boyfriend, and she is determined about marrying him. It is really endearing hearing her talk about her plans. She asked me about my plans. I said money (the writer wants you to know they are listening to Tangerine by Glass Animals right now, and he just sang the money money money part).
What are my plans?
More time by the sea. Another chance at sixth grade. Yellow bedsheets. 24 hours long sentimental bender. Cheap chocolates every hour. Insistent texts about things that run inside of me. More vulnerability, less pulling back.
Now, ma, I don’t think I can fit in marriage in there somewhere.
Speaking of the sea, I have been rereading the Waves. I am not sure when this will get published, but a few days ago it was Virginia Woolf’s death anniversary. Monday. What was the date? 28th. I know this will mean nothing to her and it will amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things, but she has been making sense to me more and more with each passing page revisited.
I was by the sea recently, and all of a sudden, everything she has said in The Waves started making sense. I could feel something inside of me open up. No, actually, I could feel someone inside of me open up the latch inside and step out. Maybe I left that someone by the sea. Maybe I am that someone now.
I have so much to tell you all, I have missed coming here and indulging myself. I have been travelling and walking and been busy with things outside of my head. Partly by choice, partly because I have no choice.
Let me paint you a picture until next time.
There’s a mango tree outside our window. I have a pet cat now. Her name is Cardboard. I have been writing in the afternoon with the lights off. I have music playing almost all the time. If I don’t, someone else does. I had the chance to be alone in my room a few days ago, all roommates scattered across the country. I spent it on the floor, with Fiona Apple’s Criminal visiting me every hour. I texted I talked I felt less alone. I drink tea at least twice a day, and eat once for sure. A lot of long walks, a lot of laughing past midnight. There’s a routine to follow now, something I am trying to do. I wake up, I sit on the stairs, I picture a cigarette in my hand. I walk long distances; I listen to songs that mean something. Everything makes a little sense but nothing sits inside my heart. I hate looking in the mirror these days. I am still trying, I am still trying, I am still trying. There’s hills around, I like to picture something beyond them, something just for me. I will meet you there, be ready. There’s a lot of time to be alone here, even among people. I look back at my life from a couple months ago, and I do not recognise certain things. I remember it all, though. I am not in a new place; I am in transit. I will be in transit until. Been journaling like Kafka. Been writing poetry like myself. Been hoping for things but not jumping in yet. All in good time.
I treated this moving of mine as a casual overnight decision. I haven’t carried a lot of important things. I don’t have a nail-cutter. I don’t have enough t-shirts. I don’t even have my medication.
I will tell you what I have though – I have my father’s photo. I have my favourite books. I have a letter from someone that gave me enough courage to actually get on with this thing. I have my notebooks. Songs. Some people I carry in my phone and/or in my heart. My words, of course.
Song of the week is one of Daada’s favourite’s. It is Mehdi Hasan’s Mujhe Tum Nazar Se Gira To Rahe Ho. My another favourite version of this ghazal is by Chitra Singh.
Written by Masroor Anwar, this is the perfect song for you if you are being left by someone who claimed they love you. Maybe they did love you and now they don’t. Maybe you are very annoying. Maybe you are very passionate. Maybe you are just not a good person to love. Whatever will console you at night. Dedicate this song to them right now and get some twisted gratification!
मुझे तुम नज़र से गिरा तो रहे हो
You are letting me fall behind your line of vision
मुझे तुम कभी भी भुला ना सकोगे
However, you will never be able to leave me behind
ना जाने मुझे क्यों यक़ीं हो चला है
I wonder why, but I have affirmed
मेरे प्यार को तुम मिटाअ ना सकोगे
You will never be able to erase my love
मेरी याद होगी, जिधर जाओगे तुम,
Wherever you go, my memory will follow
कभी नग़मा बन के, कभी बन के आँसू
Sometimes as the song, sometimes the tears that follow
तड़पता मुझे हर तरफ़ पाओगे तुम
In your suffering, you will find me around
शमा जो जलायी मेरी वफ़ा ने
The lamp that was sustained by my loyalty
बुझाना भी चाहो, बुझा ना सकोगे
You can try killing the flame, but you won’t be able to
The writer recommends you to listen to it in the quiet afternoon moments, without any artificial lights, or at night, by the window, with the lights on in someone else’s house. Don’t peep at people.
Apologies for no advice column this time, I am all over the place. I have not texted people back, or replied to their emails. Life in real life has been tough, I have been overcoming some problems of my own. But I am still out here, existing in the same world as you all.
Love,
Heera
this was so pretty so so so pretty
always lovely to read your writing <3 sending hugs