motherland
rereading winterson, with intention
The trick is to turn your own life into something that has meaning for people whose experience is nothing like your own.
– Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, Jeanette Winterson
I was deprived as a child. Not really, I am lying. I went to school, had parents who fought once in a while, had family gatherings where we were allowed to sip on alcohol in hiding. Here’s a basic outline of my life. I have a cousin, or have been that cousin, who has been abroad, either to study, or to travel. I probably had a room of my own even before I had autonomy of any kind. So on, and so forth.
The crux of it all is, I have lived in a city all my life. One of The Cities, where people come from all over the country, and create traffic jams, and cause disruptions by dreaming a little too big. My elbows bump into theirs, and I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know how to hold a conversation with somebody who hasn’t lived a life parallel to mine. I scroll on Instagram and feel proud of people from villages and small towns who have access to the Internet and are Speaking Up about things. I reshare it, I repost it. I like it all. I am aware of the world, at least enough of it to justify my educational qualifications. Well-educated people have civic sense. Well-educated people have good jobs, independence, and go on to do good things. Well-educated people understand the Importance of Mental Health. I can cite my mental well-being as an issue to take a day off from work. I like to exit conversations that my brain flags as anxiety-inducing. I judge people based on the colour of their flag. You would think I would be talking about The One, which has become the colour that seems to cover all the violence done in the name of protecting the people who identify with what the colour stands for. Orange. Red. Not much of a difference; it all returns to dust anyway. I have trauma responses of my own, self-diagnosed descriptors of my Selfhood, in the same manner that imitation crab has the actual crustaceans, or how soybean and jackfruit can be a replacement for chicken.
So you can understand how important it is for me, somebody who had the privilege of growing up on the Western facet of the internet, to accommodate everything I learnt on it, more than I ever learnt in school, within myself. bell hooks might have talked about love, and the importance of it to come from within and to spread outwards in a direction that values collective growth, but all I could understand was – I am important in my life, and my life is the most important to me.
I learnt enough on the Internet University to strengthen my delusions. As an adolescent, all you want to do is belong, and when you grow up, all you want is to be the best version of you. I learnt what the best way for me to exist is, but of course, by best, I mean comfortable. My parents probably paved the way; I just decided to sprinkle some flowers along the way. My own comfort means my optimum performance. Ease of life means betterment of my own, for my own. This is a dog-eat-dog world, did nobody teach you that? Each morning, we sharp-toothed beasts (a sign of strength, I hope?) walk out of our kennels, but there’s a length to the chain. What do you mean it’s stopping me? I chose the chain. The chain keeps me safe; it allows me to buy comfort. Stop it, you are making me nervous. I don’t know how to carry on this conversation. I must go home. By home I mean the box I pay rent for, more than necessary. But there’s a lift. It’s semi-furnished. I have a soft bed. I have food on the table. I buy clothes every month. Isn’t that what you all are always cribbing about? Roti, kapda, makaan? Then why are you being a hater when I managed to come to this position, all by myself? I am an independent, Self-Made (closer to the rest than a) Millionaire in making. I take care of myself. I get in situationships. I pay for my share of everything. I think you are just jealous of this all, but hey, man, you can get it all too; you just need to hustle harder. Have you thought of incorporating AI into your existence? I sometimes talk to it when I am feeling lost, sometimes the entire world feels like your enemy, you know. Have you tried freelancing to make some extra bank? I think you need to upskill yourself. And then, you will be able to do everything that I am able to do.
What all, you ask? I get to open an app, order groceries AND a person, both delivered to my house at the same speed, and the same rate, almost. The person (he/she/they) unpacks my groceries and cooks me something. They can iron my clothes too. Some days, when I am extremely tired, I can even ask them to give me a head massage. It is like having your own personal – I am not sure what the politically correct term is actually… Basically, it is like hiring a therapist for your house, by the hour, and it is cheaper than a pack of cigarettes, you know? I am paying for it, so of course I deserve to use it the way I want. Did you not break your toys when you were young? It is the age for that; every age has a shiny new toy for your amusement. Anyways, this, this is IT, trust me. I hustle all day, and come home to comfort, just like how my mother did it all for me when I was young. That’s when I know I have made it. This kind of security allows me to meet my friends over the weekend, to pamper myself, and to spend more time bettering myself. The cost of freedom is at the expense of somebody else’s entire existence, but hey, if you can afford it, nobody can stop you, right? It is my money after all.
Did you hear about the gas issue by the way? I already got an induction, ordered it straight to the office. I hope my cook knows how to use it, man.
hi, i have kind of reached a burnout, slump in my life, and it has been due to a lot of factors, some which we share as a part of the same world we live in. i don’t know why i am telling you this. the point is, i have been blank blank blank and also angry and also confused and everything is jarring. i wish you a good weekend. sorry if this one reads too angry, or too cocky, or i appear holier than thou in some sentences, but then, this is my page you are on, i just hope you removed your shoes before coming in. also, new mitski album, new mitski essay.
terrible