mushkil hai jeena
this is a quickie ok sorry - messy rambles + advice + busy busy busy
I am made of a lot of things, and one of them is rituals. Small rituals that act like a little will to live an hour more, maybe a week. Waking up at 4 to check my phone for a Text from Hot Knife (texts are common, the sentiment is what is mostly lacking). Promising myself I will study in the morning. Touching up my lipstick in the metro. Two rings on the left hand, two on the right. Rereading one of my favourite books every week, even five pages will do. A water bottle everywhere I go. It’s about the means and not the end, the acts are enough to sustain me. Missing the first metro. The end is not important here anyway, I am trying to not think a lot about things getting over. These rituals are just for sustaining me. I have to wake up tomorrow to repeat these things over and over.
I am justifying all the bad things I have done by saying it’s not the end of the world. Which sounds horrible, and like a lie. Just because something fatal did not happen does not mean my actions don’t have consequences. And what do I know, I could be dead tomorrow. You too. I just catch myself wishing that everything that has hardened inside of myself would melt away and give way to a fresh start. How many chances do I get to fuck up? Why am I assuming I will always fuck up? Well, haven’t I been doing that? It’s an intangible ball of yarn - the threads are self-hatred. I wish I had a solution for this, or something profound to say. 2022. March. I have come so far and yet I keep falling behind.
I wish someone would help me realign my priorities. My number one goal at any given time is love. I think it is my driving force, the centre of my universe. Oh, so how has that been going, Heera? Horribly! I have been unable to do anything. I am always driven by my emotions, and all my emotions are revolving around love. I also think I am quite fastidious and I also think I am a fast car, I need to run past buildings and relationships and emotions on the highway towards a tree and take a wrong turn and die on impact. These things have resulted in me making terrible decisions, and one of them is leaving home now, for no reason. I am worried, panicking, every night is an ordeal to get through. Am I the bad guy for leaving? And anyway, a home is not a home until you get out and keep ending up in the wrong places. Whatever, I will survive.
On a kind of a similar note, the concept that we never leave a place is one of my favourites. Even if I were to die tomorrow, my alarm would still go off. I would still get texts. My email would still get flooded with sites I don’t check anymore. My package is arriving soon. When you die, it is a very solitary act. Yes, people are with you until the end and then some. The world does a sloppy job of letting you go, it takes days, months, years to let you go. Even if I do leave, my words will stay. Your music will. These films will. None of us are getting out are we? Love how you will end up becoming a ghost no matter how many rituals you go through.
Watched “Mary is Happy, Mary is Happy” (dir. Nawapol Thamrongrattanarit) with a beloved friend. Before moving on to the film, I should let this friend who is definitely reading this right now that I appreciate her a lot. It is always a pleasure doing business with you (nine texts in a row which mean nothing until they do).
The film has a lot of short statements, or maxims that I have been thinking about. Here are a few of my favourties -
Fail (not fall) in love.
A life without expectations is peaceful.
Know you quick, love you quick.
Clean and dirty can coexist.
Tomorrow what will I do about today?
Our bodies age but our hearts remain the same.
Busy with all my heart.
These are my personal favourites and I am going to internalise them all. I have been feeling quite miserable these days because my emotions and feelings aren’t being reciprocated rightly so, but I feel like I am not doing a good enough job for that to happen anyway. It is okay, I am nobody’s business or responsibility (this is the cue for whoever it is to jump out and scream ON PURPOSE ON PURPOSE I AM GOING TO LOVE YOU)
Here is me telling you things that have of not been of any use to myself. Advice column time, yes.
i haven't been interested in someone for a very long time and now i am and it's fucking me up big time. i've gotten used to being alone and thought i was doing well, but now that i like this person i've discovered two (2) whole assloads of insecurities...do i shut down this crush or???
When you open the window to let the sun rays in, you will obviously have to come face to face with the everpresent dust that seems to gleam more in the sunlight. What will you do then? Shut the window, and turn away? No! What you have to do is reaffirm your own presence. Maybe you are merely trying to shut down your hopes by focusing more on these insecurities. If this crush hasn’t said anything mean to you, or not made you feel insecure, then revel in the feeling, but if they are actually making you think more about these said incompetencies, then turn them away. Keep the window open though, spring is almost here. Even if you do get used to being alone, the possibility that someone is walking towards your life, ever so steadily is always existing. If not this one, then someone else. Promise.
I realised recently that I’ve fallen in love with a very very close friend of mine who I have a long history with. What do I do??
Isn’t that fun and painful and so annoying and makes you stop in your tracks and makes you want to just run towards them and kill them and yourself on impact? No, no, no, just kidding of course ha ha ha.
Sit with the feeling. Love is beautiful, and it always starts inside, so before handing it all to them, turn it around in your hand. If you think there is a chance of something happening, take the plunge, we are not here for a long time. If your history is more like a meandering river with murky memories, then maybe just live with this love for a while. Maybe it will fade, maybe they will turn out to be someone totally unexpected, maybe they will take the first step towards you. I wish you all the best. Love is beautiful and it will keep visiting you.
March is here. I am about to leave. The last month has been painful. I have been childish. Thank you to everyone who reached out via email. I have been reading them in the metro, in my kitchen, in between lectures. Some of you asked about my Valentine’s day plans. Well, too late for me to answer. I just need to remind myself that I am single, so it makes sense that I had no plans. I have been trying to channel my heartless teenage self who was unmoved by sentiments and found everything stupid stupid stupid. But I can’t help it. Ah, whatever. Thank you for reading.
Love,
Heera
If you want any kind of advice, no matter how vague the problem, or want to reach out, here’s my email - twotl1303@gmail.com
absolutely gorgeous as always, sending so so much love <3