on my last day on earth

tumse badhkar duniya mein na dekha koi aur

I know this is tough for you. It is tough for me too. I have cleaned up my room, refilled the spice cabinet, and watered the plants. The curtains will be replaced tomorrow, this time I was mindful of the dimensions. I have taken out the good plates, the glasses you got from the flea market in Brisbane. This place exists here and there, and in the memory of everyone who has visited us. Even your mother’s ghost. I know you will be late from work tonight. I will wait. When you settle in front of me, I will ask about your day and you will ask about mine. I would like to say, agony. And that’s all. But I am not the one for words when it comes to myself. I will tell you about how I cleaned up my room. Refilled the spice cabinet. Watered the plants. The curtains come in tomorrow. You will nod and smile and I will nod and smile and this is just like that part in any play about marriage where the audience knows that something is not right. But wait! We’re not married. We are two men, we are best friends. You love me and think I am a good person. I never stray from this vision of yours. Thank you for keeping me in check in the eyes of the world. I hope you will still love me when I am gone and you have to clean up after me. But see, I cleaned up so much, I have even scrubbed the basin. Tomorrow you will see, when you walk around this house. You will see a neat pile of letters addressed to you on my table. You will find that all my clothes are washed and kept away. You will figure out more things about me and you will hate me. I am just satisfied that I won’t be here to see it. Just a few sentences ago I was hoping you would continue loving me when I am mere memory, but I don’t have a lot of time, and reality has come to me quickly. Take care, good bye, I wish you had kissed me when we still had time. Tonight when you will come over I will sit and pray that the scene changes and that we indeed are married and we have nothing going on for us anymore. At least that would be proof that I did have you once, in my palm, on my bed, and who knows where else. Goodbye my friend, I am sorry I was unhappy, even with you in my life. 

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tumse badhkar duniya mein na dekha koi aur, zubaan par aaj dil ki baat aa gayi

तुमसे बढ़कर दुनिया में ना देखा कोई और, ज़ुबाँ पर आज दिल की बात आ गयी

I have to speak my heart today - never have I seen anyone in this world who is beyond you

(this is the song my ma requested today)

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i am afraid i will keep putting out bad parts of myself and no one will ever get to understand me. why should they? but like, why such a juvenile approach? i was put on earth to be understood. i have nowhere else to go for now. i don’t know what is good about me, so i will have to start there. i don’t know how to do that.

love (yes even now),

heera