Regarding (Friends of) My Youth

field notes.

My biggest dream is to have a friend all for myself. I want all their roads to lead home to me. But the thing with such an innate desire is, it will always be unfulfilled. I might have come close, but it has never been the same thing. Where will I find somebody like this, who is willing to be cut off from the whole world and just be with me. Isn’t that psychotic to some, weird to many? How many times shall I open the vault of my desires only for shame and disappointment to find a way to seep in.

Ye garm hawa sirf dil mein basi aag ki tapan badhati hai,

 June ka mahina hai, ye loo aakhir kis kaam aati hai.

When you are in love with somebody on a scale of this intensity, you think you are immune to everything bad about them. This feeling also manifests itself in the hope that they will do the same when it comes to you. 

Tara may have been an evil person to everybody but I was out with a candle, with my glowing truth that she had never done anything like that to me. When the house of romance I had built with her in my head started crumbling, I got to know it wasn’t the case. Never was, still isn’t. 

I do not want to sound like I was martyred in love, or that I have not been bad to her. But I have no place to go and proclaim it, except here. I cannot tell anybody how the knife twists everyday. What have I decided is, I am going to let her have it. Anything she wants, the narrative she wants to cultivate, the story she wants people to know. I will walk in the other direction and keep walking until the place behind me is five states behind me.

The reason my romantic ventures do not seem fruitful to me is because it is never the way I want it. Not one person I have met seems to want a woman with a man inside, and nobody wants to let go of everything for me.

The urge to be less of a woman is increasing day by day. I am failing at it. I am not man enough. The body doesn’t justify the inner workings. I am, at most, a joke. A girl with many male friends. But I am an outsider. Boyhood was never mine. 

Undercover: "DODOG" Future Days T-Shirt Spring/Summer 2014

Childishness refuses to leave me. I do not understand why nobody else seems to understand me, and I don’t want to explain. This ties in with my need for One Friend. When they come, they will understand everything, just like that. 

Perhaps I am the most evil, and I am refusing to see it. Perhaps I did commit some grave crime against her. Against everybody I love. 

personal message blog

How do you restart your life when you are in your twenties, with nothing to your name? 

miakitchener

hello and hi. thinking and writing more now. studying. walking. letting go of friends and my perception of people. high time right? it is indeed crazy how this year threw me out in the dirt and told me to fend for myself. i am the architect of my own loneliness. i will see u all soon. tomorrow i will sit with my feet in water.

love,

heera